Peter Basil
by Detouredbe
Summary: Dedicated to Masked Mouse as of June 17th, 2012. An AU in which the GMD characters parody Peter Pan.
1. Chapter 1

**The following is supposed to be what might happen if the characters of "The Great Mouse Detective" were to act out a parody of "Peter Pan" (the Disney version, could Disney characters do any other kind?). Whether or not I will actually try writing out that parody or not is up to the reader's reviews; for now, it's just focusing on the characters receiving their parts. Here is the first chapter.**

(Disney studios. The characters of "The Great Mouse Detective" are to participate in a parody of "Peter Pan", and a debate is going on about who will get what role.)

Director/producer: I've decided that Basil of Baker Street will be given the main role of the film. (Basil smiles snobbishly at the others.)

Ratigan: (Looks angry) What! Basil? (Trying to seem calmer) But my dear, Peter Pan is a mere boy, and Basil is an adult. How will you pass that one off?

Director/producer: Remember, this is supposed to be a parody. The joke is that Peter Pan is a boy who refuses to grow up. Basil's parody of him will be a man who does not realize he's grown up, and still sees himself as a boy. Basil, will you give us your boyish face? (Basil manages to capture the childish insecurity of a young boy perfectly. Everyone except Ratigan looks deeply impressed.)

Ratigan: Yes yes, that is all very well, but you'll admit the expression does not match the character's personality very well?

Director/producer: True, but we're working on that. Remember, this is supposed to be a parody. (Pause) Ratigan, I can tell you're upset about Basil being the lead protagonist for more than just that. (Incredulously) Did you want the part?

Ratigan: (Laughs) Oh please! Such a silly remark does not become you at all. Very well, I shall enlighten the rest of you. Basil and I are mortal enemies, as you all know. I therefore fear that it would seem too obvious and cliché for him to be the Pan to my Hook.

Director/producer: Whoa, steady on there! What gave you the idea _you're _playing the parody to Captain Hook?

Ratigan: (Looks baffled, then smiles assuringly) Oh come now, don't tell me you had anyone else in mind? Who could pull such an evil, dastardly, cunning, suave and uh, _handsome_ lead villain off better than moi?

Fidget: (Raises his hand) I can, boss!

Ratigan: (Mortified) WHAT!

Director/producer: You see, Ratigan, though it was a tough decision, as we all agreed your suaveness and general nefariousness matches the real Captain Hook extremely well, it was felt that Fidget had more, uh, _reason_ to be cast as the captain.

Ratigan: (Skeptical) Oh, indeed? And would you care to explain how you arrived at that conclusion? (Muttering) Idiots.

Director/producer: Well, (walks over to Fidget and motions towards him while speaking) you see, Ratigan, we initially had it planned that you would indeed be cast as the captain, and that Fidget could play Smee. But he wouldn't hear of it; in his words, 'you'd never get him to play an old fatty like Smee', whether their personalities met up in any way or not. (Fidget visibly shudders at the thought of being cast in that role) Besides, we discovered that Dawson here (motions towards him) pulls off the costume rather well, so he received the part. (Dawson blushes.) Next, we considered the Indian Chief, on the basis that the original Chief and Fidget had the same voice actor, Candy Candido. But again, Fidget didn't want to play anyone fat, so we ruled that one out. Then we considered him as Mr. Starkey, because in the original film, when he annoys Captain Hook with the comment, "No splash," Hook throws him overboard, yelling, "I'll give you a splash!" Sound familiar?

Ratigan: Yes, it does ring a bell. (Glares at Fidget, who gulps.)

Director/producer: Anyway, Fidget pleaded with us to give him a more meaningful part than that, so we thought things over. You see, Captain Hook's identifying trait is that his left hand is missing. Now, none of you is missing a hand, so we had to go for the next best thing.

Ratigan: Oh? And is it so hard to hide one's hand with a hook overtop?

Director/producer: Perhaps not, but remember that we are parodying the film, so the two concepts are only supposed to loosely tie in with each other, and the result is supposed to be funny. As I was saying, we decided therefore to go for the next best thing. And young Fidget here is missing one of his legs, from the knee down, ergo! (Fidget shrugs at Ratigan and smiles) So, our idea was this: In this parody, the captain's named "Captain _Peg_", (laughter follows) and Peter Basil as our Pan parody is called, (more laughter) chopped the lower half of his right leg off in a fight, then tossed it to the crocodile. Plus, he also crippled his wing, giving him another reason to hate him; Peter Basil can fly due to magic, and Captain Peg has been denied of his natural ability to do so!

Fidget: Heheheheh! (Looks up at the sky, as though Peter Pan is flying around up there) Hey! That should be me up there! (The others laugh.)

Ratigan: Hmmph. You do realize that when it comes to being suave, eloquent, handsome and menacingly evil, Fidget is anything but.

Director/producer: Yes, there is that setback. (Fidget's face falls, and the director pats him on the head) But, he does the more comical parts of the character's role beautifully. Fidget, will you give us an example?

Fidget: Yes boss! (Ratigan glares at him) Uh, well, here goes! (in character) Did Peter Basil show good form when he did this to me? (Motions down the length of his leg) Aye! But throwing it to the crocodile! That cursed beast liked the taste of me so well she's followed me ever since, licking her chops for the rest of me. (Fidget curls up and wraps his wings around himself, hiding his face. He then gets up and takes a bow when finished. Everyone except a still unimpressed Ratigan claps.)

Dawson: Jolly good! Jolly good!

Basil: Splendid job, ol' chap!

Olivia: Oh, that was wonderful!

Director/producer: It's settled. Fidget will play Captain Peg, as a parody of Captain Hook.

Ratigan: (Seethes for a moment, then looks puzzled) Fidget, you referred to the crocodile as a "she", when it is common knowledge that the beast is male!

Director/producer: Yes, about that. We've decided to give Felicia the part of the crocodile ol' Peg is so afraid of.

Felicia: Meow?

Fidget: Gah! (Cowers in fright, upon her looking at him) SMEEEEEE! (Jumps into Dawson's arms and swaddles up in his wings, shivering.)

Director/producer: Look at that, Ratigan! See how well he does it? (Ratigan's lips remain pursed in a frown.) Ah, you're wondering how we'll make Felicia look like a crocodile! It's easy. We'll start by painting her green.

Felicia: MEEEOOWWWW! (Scampers away with surprising haste.)

Ratigan: (Menacing) What! Never! No one is going to tarnish my precious baby Felicia with any green paint!

Director/producer: Would someone get ahold of that cat? Now, Ratigan, we're not really going to _paint_ her, we're only going to dye her fur the colour green; no sloppy paint jobs or anything. It will be quite harmless, I assure you, and it'd beat her having to wear a _hot_, _sweaty _skinsuit, after all.

Ratigan: (Grumbling; eyes red) My attorney shall hear about this! (Goes over to a desk and begins penning a letter. After a few moments, he gets a sensation, and looks to his right at the surprised glances he's receiving) Oh blast it all! Of course every criminal mastermind has his own lawyer!

Director/producer: And while Ratigan attends to that, we shall attend to this. Felicia! (Felicia is dragged back against her will) If you will bear with us on this one, I'll…say, what would you say to a nice, big, fat, juicy salmon every day?

Felicia: Meow? (Holds up her paw, indicating 4.)

Director/producer: You want four every day? (Felicia holds up her other paw, emphasizing another 4) You want four salmon, four times a day?

Felicia: Meow! (Nods)

Director/producer: (Muttering) Not low-maintenance, is she? (Out loud) Alright, that'll be done. (Shakes Felicia's paw in an agreement) And let working for peanuts and working for salmon never be compared! And now, we shall need something to parody the clock which is inside the crocodile, and this is where your bell comes in handy! (Goes over to Ratigan and takes the bell from his breast pocket, while he looks on, astonished.)

Ratigan: (Enraged) What! How dare you?

Director/producer: Don't worry, Professor, we aren't going to actually make Felicia eat it; it will be part of the sound effects. Every time she's about to make her entrance, we just ring it, like this: (begins ringing it to the tune "Never Smile at a Crocodile") And it goes "Ding-aling ding ding, ding-aling ding ding, ding-aling, ding-aling-aling-aling, ding, ding, ding-aling, ding, ding, ding-aling, ding-aling-aling-aling… and so forth. (All the while Fidget's been reacting to the sound the way Captain Hook reacts to the sound of the clock, while Dawson's ear swells in and out like Smee's, as he takes it in) And now, with that being done, let's move on. The role of Wendy Darling -

Olivia: Oh please! (Comes running over to the director and grabs them eagerly, smiling) Can I be Wendy? Please?

Director/producer: (Ruffles her fur) Of course, Olivia! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Olivia: Oh, thank you! (Hugs the director tight, then pulls away) And can Daddy play Mr. Darling?

Hiram: Ach, well Olivia, I don't know if I'm much up to that part. You see, he is such an overbearing father, and I -

Director/producer: Are not, yes. Well, let us see. How will we solve this dilemma? (A moment.) I know! (sweetly) Oh, Ratigan?

Ratigan: (Massaging his temple) What is it now?

Director/producer: Since you won't be playing the lead villain, how would you like to parody George Darling?

Ratigan: You mean the father of those little brats? My dear, I am far too above that! (Draws himself up and inflates his chest.)

Director/producer: But look at it this way: In the original film, Captain Hook and George Darling had the same voice actor, right? Well, in that case, this role would be _close_ to parodying Captain Hook! How about that? (Ratigan snorts) Plus, he has his own harsh moments. There's even some mild animal cruelty mixed in.

Ratigan: (Thinks it over, then sighs) Very well, I suppose it could have been worse. (Muttering) They might have tried to get me to play the dog! Oooh, how I despise not being in control of anything here!

Director/producer: Not to worry about that. Obviously the best choice we have for Nana's portrayer is Toby!

Toby: Ruff?

Olivia: But Toby is a boy dog!

Basil: A mere technicality. I assisted the director on this one. I have plenty of disguise materials at home, and we were able to select more than enough to make Toby here look sufficiently female!

Toby: RUFF!

Director/producer: But we'll leave that part as a surprise for later.

Fidget: Wait, wait! The cat's playing the crocodile, and the character's gender's been changed for her. Why does the dog have to be in drag?

Director: Simple! (At the same moment, Basil says, "Elementary!")

Basil: (They both look at each other) No, no, you explain.

Director: (A little weary) Thank you, Basil. Well Fidget, we just figured it'd be funnier that way. (Exasperated) Can't anyone other that me grasp the fact that this is a _parody_? Nevermind, we'll work the rest of this out tomorrow. Let's call it a night! Everybody out!

**Author's notes: Well, now the problem of casting is half solved! I'm still working out which GMD characters would best fit into the other roles, bearing in mind, as that director/producer keeps pointing out, that it's a parody! I've got some ideas worked out, but I'm open to suggestions as well. How does the idea of Miss Kitty as the parody of Tinkerbell sound, for instance?**

**I haven't watched Disney's adaptation of Peter Pan in years now; I'll have to look into it a great deal for this idea. Anyway, RandR, and that's about it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, here's part two of the casting. Heads up; Ratigan, Felicia, and Fidget are not in this chapter; The director/producer has purposely kept Ratigan occupied with his lines, Fidget was willingly studying his, and Felicia's undergoing her "makeover". The other characters are all present, however. Basil, in fact, has become somewhat of an unofficial "assistant director/producer", because he seems to be the only one of the characters who fully understands that what they are doing is a parody of Peter Pan, not just a quirky remake.**

(Disney studios. The debate on role-giving continues.)

Director/producer: Alright, here we go. To make things easier, I've got a list of the "Great Mouse Detective" characters, compared to a list of the "Peter Pan" characters, and I am going to keep track of our matches according to this. (Under breath) Don't know why I didn't think of that sooner… (Out loud) Basil of Baker Street has kindly offered to assist me. (Under breath) Which is good; maybe he'll have better luck keeping the others in line. Now, during yesterday's bout, we neglected to select a portrayer for the parody of Tinker Bell. Well, Basil and I discussed this over lunch, and we decided that since there are so many lovely candidates, we should have each of them audition for the part. Bonnie McAllister? (The barmaid approaches.) Now, give us your best impersonation.

Bonnie: Alright, dearie. (Begins fluttering around like a pixie.)

Director/producer: (When she's finished) Hmmm… not bad. All the same, we must look at all our options. Miss Kitty? Will you and your sisters each do your impersonations, while we select the best one out of three?

Miss Kitty: Come on, girls! (They do their individual pixie impersonations.)

Director/producer: Well, out of those, which do you think we should consider as an option? (Basil remains quiet, his eyes fixed in their direction.) Basil? _Basil_? (Waves a hand in front of his face.)

Basil: What? Oh, Miss Kitty, of course. (Kitty clasps her face with her hands and giggles.)

Director/producer: Seriously? _You_? When did this come up?

Basil: (Waving his hand dismissively) I wouldn't know what your talking about.

Director/producer: Oh, come on now. I'm nowhere near as good a detective as you, but I can tell what that fixed stare means. Isn't that some percentage of the reason you chose her?*

Basil: (Blushing) Certainly not! One must never let personal interests get in the way of business! (To himself) Though I did feel _slightly_ relieved that she was the best of them.

Director/producer: (To the crowd) Anyway, now we have two options to consider; after the third one we'll decide. May Greenwood?* (The lady in green steps forward.) We'll see your impersonation now. (May does her imitation of Tinker Bell.)

Director/producer: Well, there we have it. Now, since only one of you can parody Tinker Bell (quietly) though _what_ a parody if we could pull off all three of them! (Out loud) Basil, shall we decide on one? (The director/producer and Basil turn away from the crowd.) So, which one do you like the best?

Basil: Um, well now… (an awkward silence follows, then) this requires a good deal of thought. Perhaps if you would let me play my violin for a while, I could -

Director/producer: Basil, I understand perfectly. If you want it to be her - she does do a smashing good job at it - I've got alternate positions in mind for the others. (Basil smiles slightly, then relaxes.)

(The rest stand around, waiting for the verdict. Basil and the director/producer turn to face them again.)

Director/producer: Well, ladies, we've thought things over, and we agree… (turns to Basil, and motions "you do the honour".)

Basil: Ahem; Miss Kitty shall receive the part. (Kitty does a double thumbs up. Bonnie and May look disappointed.)

Director/producer: And I think this parody ought to be called "Kitty-Bell". Now, as for Miss Greenwood, I had in mind, if you're interested, the role of Mary Darling.

May: Why thank you, I think I'd like that even better!

Director/producer: Excellent! (Marks this one off, then checks the unmarked names in either column over.) Now, Bonnie, what would you say to the role of the Squaw?

Bonnie: Is that some sort of exotic dish?

Director/producer: (Under breath) If we had a laughing track here, I'd say "play it now!" (Out loud) No no, if you'll remember, she was the Indian woman who told Wendy that the women, or the squaws, don't dance, they collect firewood.

Bonnie: Well, wasn't that a bit part?

Director/producer: But, it would tie in well, if Mr. McAllister* would agree to play the Indian Chief, and the Rat Trap patrons and musicians the Indian tribe.

Bartender: Me? The Chief! It'd be a pleasure! (Rubs his hands together.)

Bonnie: In that case, certainly, dear!

Director/producer: Movin' along now, aren't we? (Checks these off.) Now, there's still the problem of who will play Tiger Lily, but I think we can save that for later. (To Basil) It's more practical to solve the easy ones first, right?

Basil: Indeed. Now, who shall play the mermaids?

Kitty's sisters: (Almost literally jumping over to them) May we?

Director/producer: Alright, consider it done! (Crosses that off.) Now, there's the problem of John and Michael. Hmmm… Where are those two little boys from Queen Mousetoria's jubilee?

Basil: It is a weekday, and it is early afternoon; I would assume they are at school.

Director/producer: In that case, we'll have to notify their mothers of the job offer; they can inform them when they get back. I'll leave you in charge of the contacting; I'll take care of the contracting. (Waits a moment. Basil obviously does not see the laugh in that.) Con_tacting_, con_t__r__acting_?

Basil: (Dryly) Um, yes, very clever.

Director/producer: …Anyway, who should we work on next? The pirate crew, or the lost boys?

Basil: Well now, let's see… (Reaches into his pocket for his pipe, then stops) This is a no-smoking zone, correct?

Director/producer: I'm afraid so. We could go outside, if you want.

Basil: Thank you.

Director/producer: There will be a brief intermission, folks. Smoke if you got 'em, but you'll have to come outside.

(Outside, the director/producer and Basil pace back and forth in parallel lines, Basil smoking his pipe and pacing one way, and the director/producer pacing the other. Both are deep in thought.)

Basil: (Snaps his fingers) Aha! (Catches his pipe as it falls from his mouth) Here's what we can do! In this parody, my character is a fellow who refuses to believe he's grown up, yes?

Director/producer: Uh-huh.

Basil: In that case, the Lost Boys, for this scenario, don't have to be _boys_ at all! They could also be men, who refuse to see themselves as anything other than boys!

Director/producer: I like, I like!

Basil: Now, have you still got that comparison list? (The director/producer procures it, and they both look it over.) Now, see here for instance…

(Inside the studio, everyone's assembled again. About half an hour's past.)

Director/producer: (Drinking from a coffee cup; at least that's allowed indoors.) Alright then, so it's agreed; Hiram Flaversham, the Juggling Octopus, the Frog and the Salamander will all play the "Lost Men" as the parody group will be labelled.

Olivia: (Tugging on the director/producer's clothes) But, aren't there supposed to be six? In the original film, there were six Lost Boys. Daddy and the others make only four!

Director/producer: Well, Olivia, remember that in a parody, not everything has to be _precisely_ one-on-one. The satirical comparisons just have to be recognizable. In this case, four will do.

Olivia: (Smiles as she comprehends this information) Okay, thank you! (Departs.)

Director/producer: Sweet little thing. It'll be fun working with her! Now, that just leaves the Pirate Crew and Tiger Lily. Now, who better to play the pirates than the thugs? They're all associated with Fidget, after all.

Basil: Splendid thinking! (The director/producer crosses that one off.) However, in the original film, a few of the crew members had slightly more significant parts than the others, even momentarily. Take Morgan Skylights, for instance.

Director/producer: The fellow who annoyed Captain Hook with his singing. Well, I can think of one thug he's got a lot in common with. After all, Bartholomew and he both get taken out early on, and in each scenario, it's got something to do with their singing. Now,

if we were to give him the part, should we parody the name, somehow?

Basil: In order to make it cleverly funny, it would take some knowledge of terminology related to liquor and its consumption, considering the fact that Bartholomew is an alcoholic.

Director/producer: Well, before we make any decisions, let's first see what Bartholomew thinks. (They approach Bartholomew, who is gulping beer straight from its bottle.) Bartholomew? Bartholomew?

Bartholomew: (Turns a lazy-looking face to them and grins) Ohhhh, my, hic! It's a… heeheeheee… it's a, oh dear, it's a… it's a what-now… (Frowns, as though trying to think of the term for whatever he was thinking of.)

Director/producer: Uh, right. Anyway, we were wondering if you'd like to parody Morgan Skylights as… (Strays a glance at the modern brand of beer Bartholomew's been chugging back.) … As Bart Bud-Light! (This time, Basil laughs for a moment.)

Bartholomew: Hic! Sure, I-hehe-hic! I love - I jussadore daishies!* Hic!

Director/producer: (After a pause.) I'll take that as a "yes". (Checks that one off, then turns to Basil) We'll have to make sure he goes on the wagon a few weeks, first. (Both now head over to Bill the Lizard. The director/producer can't resist this one.) Bill, what would you say to the part of Bill Jukes?

Bill: (Laughs) That would be loverly, my dear!

Director/producer: Now, for the other named pirates, how will we decide on who gets which part? (turns to the right) Um, Basil? (Basil's gone.)

Basil: (Upon returning, together with a top hat) One of Professor Ratigan's spare hats. (Grinning to himself, as though triumphant) I'm sure he wouldn't mind at all! I've got strips of paper mixed up in here, each containing either a name, or else just the word "pirate". (Basil moves in amongst the thugs, stopping at each one to let them select a strip. When the last of them's been taken care of, Basil turns the hat right-side-up again, and rejoins the director/producer.)

Striped-shirt thug: Hey, looks like I'll be playing Starkey!

Director/producer: Quick save, Basil! I don't know how I would've managed this job without you. (Basil smiles smugly and bows.) Well, that takes care of practically everything, except for that one holdup from earlier… who is going to parody Princess Tiger Lily? (Looking at the precious few options on the "GMD" side of the list, again.) Certainly not Mrs. Judson!

Basil: Hmm, that would be a little awkward, even for a parody. Besides, she'll be too busy catering for the production.

Director/producer: (Licks lips while thinking about Mrs. Judson's baked goods using cheese, then thinks.) Then, Queen Mousetoria?

Basil: (Scoffs in disbelief) Oh come now! Not only is that even less likely, but royalties are not supposed to act!

Director/producer: (Flustered) Well, what else are we supposed to do? (Presses forehead against the paper for a few seconds, then looks up) Wait, I've got it! Remember that pretty girl with the ringlets, in that mint-green dress? From the Jubilee?*

Basil: Yes.

Director/producer: She'd be perfect! Silent, proud face, good looks! Get her name and write her a letter! Tell her she's considered - no, tell her she's hired! (Dancing around) Wahoo! This takes care of everything! Yippee! Let's wrap things up! Boy, after this gruelling session, I could use a Jacuzzi! (Stops dancing, then gets serious) All right, you heard me! Everything's taken care of! Everybody out!

**Author's notes: All right, so the casting's finished! And to clarify the things marked off by an asterisk:**

*** I like the pairing of KittyXBasil, myself. I kept the dialogue between the director/producer and Basil, regarding the latter's expressions, somewhat cryptic because I felt that played it out better.**

*** I chose to call the Lady in Green who comes to Basil for help at the end of GMD, "May Greenwood" because her signature colour is green, and because she's missing an ****emerald ****ring; emerald is the birthstone of May, ergo.**

*** The barmaid and the bartender have the same last name in my idea, because I like to think of them as husband and wife. They seem to suit each other so.**

*** Bartholomew may have been drunk when he said it, but doesn't he strike you as the "smell the daisies" sort?**

*** If you look in the crowd scene at the mice's part of Buckingham Palace, she's in a few of the closeup shots, to the far right of the screen, like when everyone gasps upon Ratigan's "grand" entrance.**

**Also to note: For this story, I like script format, because it helps to get into the feel of a production studio. Plus, things are supposed to be fast-paced at this point, and when I write in normal story format, I have a tendency to launch into excessive detail, which sort of ruins that fast concept. Also, it's fun to alternate formats.**

**Well, as I said, the story focuses on casting for now. If I'm going to write out what happens in the actual parody, I'd like to have at least five reviews supporting the idea, first. Thanks to those who've reviewed, and thanks in advance to those who will!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, took me long enough to get on with the next chapter, I think. I apologize to those who were waiting all this time for part 3. I can assure you part 4 won't take nearly as long to arrive. Anyway, in this chapter the parody begins, although considering the hassles the director/producer has had to put up with so far, it only makes sense that there will be road bumps along the way! **

**Also to note: During the actual scene filming the GMD characters will be referred to nominally by the "Peter Basil" characters they're playing, but during their debuts in the film the actors for each character will be identified.**

(Disney studios. The first day of filming has arrived.)

Director/producer: Okay, places everybody, places! You! Get that camera steady, and move it to the right! No, the other right! (Demonstrates the direction.) Okay, Aagh! Who told you to blare that light right in my eyes! I can't direct if I can't see! (Under breath) You'd think they've all got some vendetta against me. (Out loud) Alright, places, everyone! Aaaannnd… ACTION!

/

(A twilight sky is shown, with stars twinkling. The scene then moves down to London, England, and specifies a certain street, approaching a house.)

Narrator: All this has happened before, and it will all happen again. History repeats itself, alright? But this time it happened in London. It happened on a quiet street in Bloomers… oh, sorry, that would be Bloomsbury. This script is impossible to read! Anyway, that corner house over there is the home of the Darling family. And Peter Basil chose this particular house because there were people here who believed in him. (Motion of scene comes to an abrupt stop.) What? You've never heard of Peter Basil? Great Scott, I thought everybody had! Well, Peter Basil is a boy - no, he's actually a _man_, a mouse, a man… oh to heck with it! He's an adult who doesn't see himself as grownup; he still thinks of himself as a child. Oh quit rolling your eyes, folks, it happens less often than you think! We just like to make big productions out of men-children! Now where was I? Oh, yeah -

(The scene continues, and moves inside the house. Cue the Darling parents.)

Narrator: So the folks who lived in this house believed in Peter Basil. Mrs. Darling (May Greenwood, in character, is dolling herself up at her vanity dresser) believed that Peter Basil was the spirit of cumbersome hubbies who, rather than being helpmates, ended up being more like the eldest of the brood, and the least responsible and most exasperating of the lot, at that.

Mrs. Darling: George, we are going to be late for the party if you don't move your posterior along! Haven't you found that shirt yet?

(Enter Professor Ratigan, in the next room, phishing through his dresser drawers)

Mr. Darling: Mary, I only wish my troubles ended at the untimely misplacement of my shirt. It would seem as though my cufflinks have also ended up in some preposterously incorrect location, and until I find all of these items we cannot go to the party! And if we don't go to the party, I can never show my face in the office again! And if I don't show my face in the office again it is under the sewers for us, and I shall have to establish for myself a new career as a criminal mastermind; we shall all have to be in on the game.* You could consider us the English Mafia, if such suited you - Ow! Why you blasted little -

Mrs. Darling: (Enters the room through the door) Oh George, you didn't hit your head on the top drawer again, did you?

Mr. Darling: (Mutters curses under his breath, massaging his aching scalp) I rather like to think it goes without saying, Mary! Do you know, I do believe this chest of drawers was not designed with mice of above-average height in mind!

Mrs. Darling: (Under her breath) _Mice_ of above-average height, right!

Narrator: Um, yes. Mr. Darling liked to think of himself as more of a practical sort of man, but it doesn't take rocket science to realize that he merely detached himself from those so-called "childish fantasies" because he had a mountain-sized workload, a social life and business reputation that had to be maintained at all costs, and to top it all off, a wife and family to support and help rear. Yep, not much time for this fellow to be thinking about men who think of themselves as boys… which might not really be such a bad thing, come to think of it!

(The screen moves up to the window of the nursery, and inside. The two boys seen at Queen Mousetoria's diamond jubilee, in the roles of John and Michael Darling, are at play.)

Narrator: Now John and Michael, the boys, believed that Peter Basil was a real person, and made him the hero of all their games. Some were fun, innocent-minded games that you would expect pre-adolescent boys to be playing, while others were a little more raucous and, frankly, shocking. No worries, the one we're about to depict is not one of the latter.

John: (with an upside-down toilet plunger attached to his left leg and the halves of a worn old umbrella hooked up to his arms like bat-wings) Get back here, you stupid Peter Basil! (Wields a toy sword at his brother, who fights back in like.)

Michael: Ha! You'd much better give up, Captain Peg!

John: Never! I'll teach you to cut my leg off and ruin my wing! (Michael then proceeds to run around John, simulating flight and laughing) Hey! Stop flying around me! That should be me up there!

(Enter Olivia Flaversham, as Wendy Darling. Walking past her brothers, she shakes her head and laughs.)

Wendy: John, you're going about it all wrong. His peg was on the right!

John: (Looks down and fixes this error) Thanks Wendy.

Narrator: Wendy was the eldest of the three; she not only believed Peter Basil was real, she was a walking, talking encyclopedia on his history and his adventures. To make my point extra clear, she probably could have given you a head-to-toe description of what he seasoned last Saturday's dinner with.

(Wendy looks up upon hearing a bark outside. Toby, in drag as Nana, stands on the other side of the window, looking in.)

Wendy: Oh Toby, not that tonic again! It tastes absolutely awful!

/

Director/producer: Cut, CUT! (Everything comes to a halt. The actors and the staff look on anxiously.) Olivia, what was that?

Olivia: Huh?

Director/producer: (Cools down by fanning with the script.) *Sigh* Olivia, tell me, what was the name of the Darling family's dog?

Olivia: Nana.

Director/producer: Nana? Hmmm… okay then, that allows me to proceed to the next question. Why did you say "Oh _Toby_, not that tonic again, blah blah blah", if the dog's name is _Nana_?

Olivia: (Covers her mouth with her hand in embarrassment.) Oh, hahaha. I'm sorry. I guess I'm having trouble getting used to Toby… _in character_. (Points out the basset hound's state of attire.)

Director/producer: That's alright, my dear. (Pats her head.) Just be more careful from now on. (Olivia nods, smiles, and returns to her former position on the set.) Aaaannnd - ACTION! (To Basil) By the way, I have to say thanks for your advice. Dart throwing before filming sessions has really helped me keep my temper on the set.

Basil: Not at all, I understand that for an occupation as mentally and emotionally challenging as yours, a periodic alleviation is invariably essential.

Director/producer: Too true.

/

(Back in the nursery)

Wendy: Oh Nana, not that tonic again! It tastes absolutely awful! (Nana growls gently and carefully slides in a tray with a medicine bottle through the window, using a garden spade. She then uses the spade to manipulate the tray and bottle inside. Wendy, meanwhile, departs from the room.)

Narrator: Nana the nursemaid couldn't really share her opinions on the matter, because she was a dog, but even if she could she'd have kept them to herself - experience had given her the implication that on such awkward topics as the fantasies of children, that was the best approach. So saying, she tolerated the whole Peter Basil business and let the children have their fun.

(Nana uses the garden spade to lift the tray and bottle onto a table, rolling her eyes as the spade knocks the table over. Taking the time to straighten out this minor glitch, she smiles as she finally helps the medicine onto its destined post. Looking over and seeing the boys' beds in a state of disarray from their game, she bangs a gong with the shovel, after which they promptly stop.)

John: Yes Nana? (She frowns pointedly at the beds.) Oh, sorry Nana. We'll play on the floor instead, right Michael?

Michael: Okay John. Sorry Nana! (Nana nods understandingly, then makes the beds up with the shovel, which as one can imagine is easier said than done. While the boys continue to banter on in the roles of Peter Basil and Captain Peg, Nana looks over at a stack of building blocks, and gasps upon seeing that the letters C, F, K, O, U and Y are in the most wrong position they can be, with regards to each other.* Like lightening, she hastens to correct that foul error. In the meantime, Michael as "Peter Basil" manages to "stab" John as "Captain Peg" with his sword)

John: Aagh! You got me, you blasted Basil! (Nana's ear raises at this. First the blocks, now this? Where are the children picking up this sort of language?) Lights! I see lights everywhere, everywhere around me! Ugh, tell them to stop spinning! I can't take it! Cut it out!*

Michael: John, you're supposed to fall down!

John: Alright, alright. (In character) Ohhhh, down I go! (Thump.)

(As the boys laugh over their game, Mr. Darling enters the room.)

Mr. Darling: Oh do settle down, boys! I shall probably have to tolerate enough Shakespeare from the two of you when you enter high school! (Knocks over the building blocks as he makes to seek out his cufflinks, to Nana's chagrin.)

John: Hello, Father!

Mr. Darling: Yes, yes, hello and all that. Have either of you seen my gold cufflinks?

John: (Wide-eyed) Uh, c-c-cufflinks? (Whispering) Michael, I told you we should've made the buried treasure silver instead! He's using the gold ones tonight!

Michael: Um… I - I don't know, I forgot where I put the treasure.

John: Well, what about the map?

Michael: You're gonna love me for this, John. I don't know where the map went either. (John slaps his forehead.)

Mr. Darling: See here, you two, I am in desperate need of those - (As he approaches them he knocks into the stack of blocks, just as Nana's nearly finished with them.) For goodness sakes, Nana! How many times must I tell you there's a deuced box for those! Don't keep leaving them out in the open all hours like this! Nobody's going to be playing with them while they're in bed! (Offended, Nana waps him in the back of his head with the spade while his back is turned. Mr. Darling's face goes blank, then he collapses forward.)

/

Director/producer: Cut, cut CUT! (Once again, everything stops.) Toby! In all honesty, why? (Flinging their hands up and down with each "why") Why, why -why-why-WHY did you have to use the flat end? It even states in the script that Nana's supposed to hit Mr. Darling with the _stick_! And it was never supposed to touch his head! It's a sharp, quick tap on the shoulder. A sharp! Quick! Tap! On! The! SHOULDER! (Speaking of sharp, quick taps on the shoulder…) What is it, Basil? (Basil smiles, eyes closed, holding out an open box of darts.) Oh, good idea, thanks.

(A little while later, everything is nearly ready to proceed. Ratigan, however, has a few unresolved issues.)

Ratigan: (Sitting on a chair, massaging his temples, while a bag of ice sits pertly atop his head.) Ohhh, what shameful misery! That flea-ridden mongrel ought to count his blessings he has a better agent than mine! (To the director/producer) Excuse me! Would you care to come here for a second?

Director/producer: Yes, Professor?

Ratigan: As you'll be very much aware, I'm sure, I happen to be unfortunately inflicted with a cranial predicament I did not have at the beginning of my scene. If you are planning to continue filming right away, how do you expect to cover this up?

Director/producer: Ah yes, I thought you'd be interested in that.

Ratigan: Oh you did, did you?

Director/producer: Yes, you see, normally we'd allow an injured actor an allotted time for recuperation. (Ratigan looks hopeful.) However, (Ratigan's expression sinks into a frown) since we are on a time budget, we're going to have to take the hard way out and improvise.

Ratigan: (Grumbles for a moment) And what improvisational measures are we to take?

Director/producer: Very simple. It won't do to have Mr. Darling go from perfectly fine in one shot to donning an ice pack the next, so we'll just have to work it into the script that he began wearing his top hat sometime after he got conked out.

Ratigan: And what should happen if I refuse to go through with this?

Director/producer: Well… production would be delayed.

Ratigan: Is that all?

Director/producer: And if it got delayed there'd be problems with our contracts and agreements, not to mention the financial disrupt -

Ratigan: In that case, I imagine you'll want to read this. (Hands the director/producer a letter.) The instructions provided, as I'm sure you'll find, rather warrant unconditional obedience.

Director/producer: (Muttering) Dear Disney Studios, da-da-da-da-da… I regret to inform you that my client's wish to refrain from… blah-blah-blah, legally overrules your… meow-meow-meow… Lawsuit might follow in the case of… dum-da-da-dum…. Sincerely, Prof. Ratigan's agent. (Looks up at Ratigan's smug grin) So, uh, it… looks like you have to get that sick leave after all.

Ratigan: (Sardonically) Why thank you, how very considerate! (Takes the letter back and gets up, calling for a cab to be sent.)

Director/producer: Doggone lawyers and lawsuits! To merry-heck with all of them! Basil! Basil, the darts! And get me a photograph of this agent! I've got a few things I'd like to _point _out to him, if you get my drift! THE DARTS!

Ratigan: (Watches the director/producer storm off into their private office, then rubs his hands in triumph) Haha, yes! I've still got it! Oh, I just love it when my lawyer is nasty!

**Author's notes: Once again, I apologize for the excruciating wait. I can only put it down to specified writer's block (that is, writer's block specifically for the story), and extreme business in other affairs. Even so, it would have been up about a month and a half ago, except that I had a strange difficulty logging onto the site. I've finally gotten that straightened out, and hopefully the updates for this story will come more frequently from this point onward. In the meantime, as always, I've provided backstories for those instances in the play that I've marked with an asterisk:**

**1. Let's just say Professor Ratigan's getting a bit more influence over the production of this parody than he thought he was going to after he was cast as "Mr. Darling". That reference to his actual career was his idea! XD **

**2. That should be an easy scrambled message game to play, and when you do guess what those letters spelled out, you'll understand why the arrangement of the blocks had to be corrected so urgently!**

**3. I had to throw a few Fidget-isms into the character John's impersonation of Captain Peg, since Fidget is going to be playing the actual villain later on.**

**Thank you for your patience, everyone! :)**


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